Mona Lisa Smile

I love the movie Mona Lisa Smile. Everytime I watch it something new jumps out at me. One thing always stays the same though: Joan is my favorite character. I feel like I have a lot in common with her. I love to learn and I love my classes and if I had no desire to be a wife and mother I think I would go to school for years and years and years.  But...I desire a family more. Of course I will work, but my dream is the day I can take care of my family and I don't think this makes me some sort of self-inflicted imprisoned woman. This is the same place Joan finds herself in. I feel like this enlightenment in the film is often overlooked with all of the "go out and be a free independent woman" messages. 

Anyway there is a particular quote that I just love by Joan's character while talking with her professor. She is discussing sacrificing graduate school for marriage:

Joan Brandwyn: It was my choice, not to go. He would have supported it.

Katherine Watson: But you don't have to choose! 

Joan Brandwyn: No, I have to. I want a home, I want a family! That's not something I'll sacrifice

.

Katherine Watson: No one's asking you to sacrifice that, Joan. I just want you to understand that you can do both. 

Joan Brandwyn: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer? 

Katherine Watson: Yes, I'm afraid that you will. 

Joan Brandwyn: Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you. 

Katherine Watson: I didn't say that. 

Joan Brandwyn: Sure you did. You always do. You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want. 

Resonance & Connection

One specific concept I learned this semester which I had never heard before was the process of resonance within relationships. Our capacity to emotionally bond with another is mediated through a phenomenon known as resonance. Resonance is the tuning in to another’s internal state. Between two people there can be an energizing sense of connection which lasts beyond the interaction of the moment. Resonance is described as the interacting systems that define the influence of each system’s activity on the other.  Between two individuals, emotionally attuned and contingent communication creates resonance in which each member of the dyad is influenced by the other. This comes about when the emotional state of one person reverberates in that of the other; meaning that one person’s emotions are actually impacting the other person’s emotional state to where both people will experience the same feelings. This process of resonance, caused by factors like attunement, are what leads someone to “feel felt” by the other person, leading them to a feeling of connectedness. This sensation of “feeling felt” literally means that you feel as if you exist in the mind of another person. This is an example of how two people can feel such a connection since they both feel that they exist in the mind of each other. When relationships include this process of resonance, both people may continue to feel connected to each other, even when physically separated. In order to properly integrate resonance within a relationship, this type of emotional relating requires a person to be aware of their own internal state while being open to understanding and respecting the other person’s state of mind. Integration utilizes the resonance of different subsystems to achieve cohesive states and a coherent flow of states across time, which is why physical closeness is not needed to continue to feel this connection. It is this linkage of minds that enables the two people to have a deeper sense of being together than just physical proximity to one another. All of this takes someone who is focused in on the other person’s nonverbal cues and understanding how these cues are communicating what the person is truly feeling, regardless of their verbal communication.

This concept has had an impact on my personal life. Knowing that close emotional relationships are vital for my psychological well-being, I have made a personal effort to deepen my relationship with my fiancé. One road block has been the long distance between him and me. However, knowing that this process of resonance can be a strong factor in linking our minds throughout time, I have made, and will continue to make, extra efforts to understand the emotional states he is in at different points, as well as conveying how I am feeling to him instead of sending mixed messages and hoping he will decode it. One way of applying this concept in my interpersonal relationship is by de-centering. This ability to de-center will help me to attach my mind to my fiancé’s thoughts and feelings, allowing that sense of connection to form. By de-centering, I assure him that we will share in what both of our minds are thinking, creating that sense of resonance. I also know now that there is no way to not communicate within a relationship. If a couple is not communicating, they really are just not reading each other’s non-verbal cues. I will take the knowledge I know about resonance and apply it in my relationship by doing my best to understand the non-verbal communication of my fiancé. Resonance also means that when he experiences the most basic of emotions, such as happiness, I need to recognize and be interested in these things, even if I may not feel as excited about the specific event. The sense of just “feeling felt” by me will help him to better connect. Also, my ability to enjoy with him what he enjoys will allow our minds to “get on the same page.” This is also true in emphasizing with him when something happens that upsets him. I will not just shake it off and tell him to get over it; rather in an effort to create resonance between us I will alter my own emotions to match with his, letting him know that I care about the issue simply because he cares about it, and I care about us.